Identifying and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Gaslighting, isolation, and constant criticism are some signs of narcissistic abuse. Recognizing the abuse can start the healing and recovery process.

Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse can be complex, especially when it comes to forms of verbal or emotional abuse. It can be subtle but often manifests in several clear behavior patterns.

If someone is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or has traits of narcissism, they exhibit abusive behaviors that may negatively affect you.

The way it affects you is known as narcissistic abuse syndrome, a non-medical term that explains the effects of experiencing narcissistic manipulation.

Signs of narcissistic abuse syndrome

Narcissistic abuse syndrome is not an official condition or diagnosis. It does, however, describe unhealthy thoughts or feelings associated with mental or emotional abuse from a person with narcissistic traits or NPD.

“People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits have an excessive sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others,” explained J Cangialosi, a therapist at Relief Mental Health in Oak Brook, Illinois. “They may engage in behaviors that are self-centered, manipulative, and focused on seeking validation.”

It may be challenging to recognize narcissistic abuse, but signs could include:

• Gaslighting: Gaslighting is using manipulation to force you into thinking your thoughts and feelings are incorrect. For example, they may deny events that happened, potentially causing you to experience confusion and self-doubt.
• Love bombing followed by devaluation: This narcissistic trait involves showering you with love, attention, affection, and praise. Eventually, however, behaviors of criticism, distance, and cynicism may occur. This pattern often repeats, which creates a cycle of highs and lows that may keep you emotionally dependent.
• Lack of empathy: In a relationship, a lack of empathy can look like dismissing your feelings, ignoring your needs, or being indifferent when facing difficulties.
• Constant criticism and blame: You might notice that they constantly criticize you for small things or make you feel inadequate, often shifting blame to you for problems in the relationship. They may say, “You made me do this,” or, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.”
• Isolation: They may try to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems. This could manifest as creating conflict or making you feel guilty for spending time with others.
• Walking on eggshells: If you feel you need to soothe someone more often than not or try to avoid setting them off or being overly cautious with your words or actions, this is a sign of emotional instability caused by narcissistic abuse.

Healing from narcissistic abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time. Angela Ficken, a psychotherapist in Boston, MA, says healing starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and understanding that it’s not your fault.

She offers several tips that can help on the road to recovery.

Establish boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is critical whether you’re preparing to leave or have already left. Creating firm limits — like cutting off communication — can help you regain your sense of independence.

Seek professional help

Therapy, particularly with someone experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery, can help you process the emotional trauma and rebuild your self-esteem.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or trauma-focused therapy can help you recognize and unlearn the patterns of abuse.

Allow yourself time to grieve and heal

Leaving a narcissistic relationship can bring feelings of loss, even though it is toxic. It’s essential to allow yourself time to heal emotionally and not rush the process.

Practice self-care

Rebuilding your sense of self-worth and emotional resilience is crucial to healing.

Incorporate daily self-care routines, like journaling, exercise, or meditation, to help you reconnect with yourself and restore your mental and physical well-being.

Let’s recap

Narcissistic abuse can present itself whether the person has a complete diagnosis, such as narcissistic personality disorder, or just a few narcissistic traits, Cangialosi explained.

People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits may engage in self-centered and manipulative behaviors, often seeking admiration and validation. However, there is not a direct correlation between abuse and living with NPD or traits of narcissism.

Signs of narcissistic abuse include a lack of empathy, gaslighting, isolation, and constant criticism and blame. Tips for healing include setting clear boundaries and practicing self-care.

With support, therapy, and time, it’s possible to regain your sense of self and heal from narcissistic abuse.